DVD of Wizard proportions

Yesterday (August 22, 2006) was a great day in the video game industry. Oddly enough, the occasion didn't even involve a video game release. Rather, it was a DVD release of the greatest game-related movie of all time, The Wizard.



As a chubby near-adolescent hooked on video games, Hollywood had delivered in all regards - a healthy dose of video gaming, a plot centered around 13-year olds, and an actress around my age that was, uh-hum....becoming a woman. Much screen time was devoted to my favourite gaming franchises; Ninja Turtles, Ninja Gaiden, Double Dragon. You name it, it was there.


The plot involved little Jimmy the weirdo, who had an inexplicable fixation on California. His family and doctors would ask what's wrong, and he'd simply respond "California!" Hence, he's in the nut house. It just so happens that there's a video game tournament in California. Corey (Fred Savage), upon discovering that his kid brother is a wiz at games and a social delinquient, thinks it's a brilliant idea to take him there without his dad's permission! Along the way, the rogue brothers meet Haley, a tough chick with an attitude (now there's a fresh character!). On their way to California, they win cash, get robbed, and sleep in abandoned trucks.

Some social service agent is hired by the nut house to trackdown the rogue brothers, while their dad tries to screw him over along the way. Hilarity ensues. The adventure culminates in the weirdo winning it all in a big video game tournament. It's revelaed in the end that some giant dinosaur attraction was Jimmy's obsession. Turns out it was the location of the final photograph containing the entire family (including Jimmy's favourite, and now deceased, sister). His intention was to leave his lunchbox there as a monument for his sister, AWWWWWWWW!!!!

The entire film was practically a commercial for Nintendo, who were pushing two high-profile, on-the-horizon products. The first was Super Mario Bros 3, which I believe, had already released in Japan at the time. It was the third installment in the beloved Mario franchise, and the chance to see it in video form was reason alone to go see the movie. Despite never hearing of this game before, Jimmy somehow knew where all the shortcuts were..WHATEVER!!

The second product Nintendo was pushing? Well....how can anybody forget? The Power Glove was immortalized in this now classic scene. I love the Power Glove; it's so bad.



I love how not all of Lucas' movements translate into the video game. But hey, you can already see Nintendo laying down the foundation for its future technology, the Wii.

And how can anybody forget the music? The soundtrack included hits provided by none other than the Hoff himself, David Hasselhoff. I just remember some song about "Living by the Groove", and I was hooked on it. All the movie needed was a cameo appearance by KIT and it'd be perfect.

Tonight I may pick up the DVD and indulge in a classic.

Fantasy Match: Zack vs. Slater

Remember that episode where Zack and Slater were fighting over the same girl? It was a landmark moment; for years 'Saved by the Bell' fans had long wondered, "Who would win in a fight - Zack or Slater? Preppy or the Macho Hunk?"

Unfortunately, Mr. Belding stepped in and broke up the fight. The question went unanswered, the fans became angry, and the series was soon cancelled after the fallout of Mr. Belding's ill-advised intervention.

But over the four full seasons of Saved by the Bell, I have amassed a large amount of data that could lead to a good guess of the result, and hopefully put the questions to rest. We will likely never see the two fight again, so this is the best we'll ever have.

Without further adieu, let's run down the tale of the tape.

Chicks dated in high school:

Zack Morris: At graduation, Zack confessed to having dated around 72 girls during his high school career. This includes each of his three closest friends at some point – what a skank. Notable dates include a biker chick, the fattest chick in school that won him at a dating auction, the head cheerleader, a girl in a wheelchair, and a wrestler that had to save him from a bully at the Max. To say that Zack has dated both ends of the spectrum and all points in between would be an understatement.
A tabloid photo has surfaced recently, hinting at the possibility that Zack may have had an affair with his best friend, Screech.


AC Slater: he’s dated a whale defender, a tree hugger, and a chick hooked on caffeine pills, all rolled into one girl! Very impressive. The problem is, Zack bumped her too. To further add to AC’s story, he’s also dated a long-lost love from Europe, and a bikini chick that faked her own drowning just to catch his attention. Unfortunately, both women split the episode after he hooked up with them, which leads me to believe that for all those guns he’s packing, he fires serious blanks.

Analysis: No question; Zack is king of the male skanks. Through his dating, he has shown that friendship is a line that he’ll walk and hump all over to get to a girl. With Slater’s younger sister, the object of Screech’s affection, and his best girl friend since childhood under his belt (figuratively, and literally, at one point in time), Zack blows Slater away (figuratively, not literally).

Edge:


Zack Morris

Hair

Zack Morris: his beach blonde hair was pivotal in bestowing Bayside hunk status to him. Aside from all the gel it took to hold it all in place, believe it or not, he’s not naturally blonde!!!

Picture from NYPD Blue.

AC Slater: naturally curly, jet black. And his hair was somewhat revolutionary for the 90’s; it represented one of the final vestiges of that beloved hair style of the 70’s, the mullet.

Analysis: just as it goes with breasts, natural defeats artificial in my book. And nothing, NOTHING, defeats a mullet.

Edge:

AC Slater

Accessories:

Zack Morris: light years ahead of the current generation, Zack carried around a cell phone brick back when most of us didn’t even have a land line in our own room. Cell phone craze of the late 21 century? “That is soooo ten years ago!” says Zack. Also had a Nerf basketball hung on his closet door, which is probably why he was captain of the school basketball team.

AC Slater: A tank top, he always wore a tank top. Slater knows the way to a woman’s heart is to take her to the gun show. Slater had a good physique, and in today’s ‘roid raging society, I have no choice but to assume that he carried a loaded syringe at all times.

Analysis: An extremely tough call. Both were approximately ten years ahead of current civilization; Zack with the cell phone and Slater with the roids. Unfortunatey, steroids are banned from professional sports (and are frowned upon in general), while girls as young as six years old own cellulars these days. However, this advantage is quickly squashed by the fact that the gynormous cell phone has likely given off loads of radiation into Zack’s brain, long before scientists became concerned of their harmful effects. Either he’s become super smart with augmented reflexes, or he’ll be dead from cancer in months. Unfortunately, we don’t know which.

Edge:


Draw


Weapons

Zack Morris: The Zack attack (not referring to his music band) is two-fold. His hipness wasn’t just for aesthetics, it was functional. That brick he called a cell phone could’ve easily cracked a skull in half. Secondly; I’m sorry, but you don’t date 72 girls within a four year span without catching some sort of disease. This is a dual-edged sword; though it means certain death for Zack sometime in the near future, if both he and Slater get cut open during their battle, guess what Slater? Genital warts will be the least of your worries.

AC Slater: AC’s biggest weapons at his disposal come from within. He’s got major guns, so the power advantage is obvious. Plus, as an amateur wrestler, he’ll likely be on his way to victory if he can get Zack on the floor. Needs to stay away from a striking match; though his hits will surely hit harder, Zack’s got the brick.

Analysis: From the outset, this one looks like a clear decision; which would you rather have in a fight – a brick or a gun? Unfortunately, Slater’s guns don’t give him any long-range advantage, he’ll have to get in close. Brick aside, if you get within a two–metre radius of Zack, congratulations - you’ve contracted airborne Herpes.

Edge:


Zack Morris

Current career

Zack Morris: Immediately following the end of the Saved by the Bell run, oddly enough, the actor portraying the star of the show found himself to be the only one collecting unemployment cheques (Lisa Turtle was on a soap opera, Screech became Belding’s assistant at the school, Slater went to Pacific Blue, Jesse did Showgirls and Kelly went to 90210). Eventually he landed a spot on ABC’s NYPD Blue, and stayed on the show until its finale.

AC Slater: Landed on Pacific Blue (otherwise known as Baywatch on speed bikes). I also remember him hosting some temporary game show on TV. Last night I was watching late night infomercials, and I think it may have been him vouching for a new face cream.

Analysis: he may have stumbled out of the gate, but Zack has done much better since graduating Bayside High. Yes, Slater has, technically, been more busy than this blonde opponent. But think of it this way; would you rather sit around a year or two before landing a big executive job, or work constantly at several fast food joints? Me too.

Edge:


Zack Morris

Zack Morris - 3 AC Slater - 1

Winner:


Zack Morris

Was there really any doubt? Zack was the face of Bayside High. When Slater first arrived on the scene, he definately gave Zack a run for his money, offering a legitimate challenge in every facet of Zack's being - playing hookey and going out with Kelly. But in the end, Zack was always triumphant. So it should be no surprise that in a straight up fight, Zack would be victorious.

Full circle

I'm going to deviate from the norm and be serious for once. Mind you, I was being serious when discussing my disdain for Paris Hilton and the new GAP cool, but you know what I mean.

This post turned out to be MUCH longer than I had anticipated. If you're feeling lazy, skip the asterisked part.

Yesterday was a big day. Two of my friends from high school got married.

I have known Ron since grade 4. Back then, he was an honest, stand up guy; always respectful and considerate of others. Today, he still carries the same honourable traits. In fact, one of the groom's men, Jason, and I were talking with Ron's father-in-law and family friend about how he hasn't changed since grade school. We used to play the usual playground games, ball hockey, hand ball and red ass (when the teacher wasn't looking, obviously). After grade 5, I moved and didn't see much of him until high school.

My very first class in high school was when I met Edilyn. I didn't speak to her much initially; everybody was pretty disoriented trying to adjust to new environments and new faces. My first impression was that she was a quiet, shy, and studious girl. She sat near the front and didn't say much. But she was in several of my classes first year, and eventually I started speaking to her a bit. I was right on the quiet thing, but she also turned out be really cool and friendly. Eventually, we become friends that chatted about school and the like.

**************************************************************
Meanwhile, I was catching up with an old friend. Ron and I still got along well, it was as if the four years apart didn't do anything. I remember every morning, he'd be hanging out with Jason and Geoff near their lockers. To get to my locker before first class, I had to walk past them every morning. Being a HUGE Leafs fan at the time, they would make sure I heard it whenever the Leafs lost. I will never forget coming to school the day after the Leafs were officially eliminated from the playoffs by Vancouver - I took a huge detour to avoid their pestering. Somehow Ron saw me from a distance, pointed, and the three of them laughed their heads off as I ran in humiliation. Good times.

Oddly enough, I never saw the two of them together. When I did, it seemed out of pure coincidence because neither of them ever said anything to the other. This, even though they both came from the same elementary school - and in those first few frightening weeks in high school, you cling to what's familiar. Perhaps the quiet tension was already bubbling?? Maybe. Other than their school and country of origin, the only commonality between them that I could think of was that they were both in the school band.

Two years past, the seperate friendships continued. It was a typical lunch period, and I was talking with Ron. By this point, Ron, myself and three other friends (Bryan, Jason, and Rhoscoe), had formed the "No Luck Club" - a title celebrating our collective bad karma with dating. The five of us were sitting at lunch with our other friends. At one point, Ron made sure nobody was listening, and quietly said "Guys, I was in poli sci today..." "Uh huh...." "we were lining up to leave after class...." "Uh huh....." "Edilyn was near the door and <voice drops to near whisper> man she looked GOOD."

After the requisite teasing and punching, the suggestion was made to give it a shot. Success would've meant an exit from the No Luck Club, and subsequent praise from its remaining members. And above all else, he'd be with a smart, sweet girl, and what guy doesn't want that? The suggestion was met with an awkward "Ooohhh....I don't know......" The thought must've been put to the back of his mind, because that was the last sign of secret admiration for Edilyn that I would hear for well over a year. I would've loved to have asked Edilyn what she thought about Ron at that point, but her and I never spoke about things like that.

March 1997, mid semester, and March Break is rolling around. Excitement for all, but especially the students in music band, as they had planned a trip to Jamaica. The Saturday after March Break, a birthday party was held at my house. Bryan and I picked up Ron.
"Hey man, how was Jamaica?"
"<big wide smile> Good man!"
"Anything interesting happen?"
"Well, I sort of hooked up."
"WHAT??? WITH WHO???"
"Edilyn!"
"NICE!!!"

He spoke a bit of how they got together, and we could really tell he was genuinely excited about the whole thing.

Once school resumed, the two were inseperable. They made such a great couple, got along so well it, and I practically forgot that I had never seen the two speak to one another for three years prior.

Fifth year rolled around, and their relationship had become a fixture in all of our lives. It was in biology class this year where I really got to know Edilyn. She sat next to me, and during the boring lessons we would often talk about things. It was at this point I began to have doubts about my ability to meet someone special. As often as I repeated it, she always listened, offered advice, and by the end of each conversation, I always felt better and believed in myself a bit more. When luck finally struck and things began to happen between me and somebody else, Edilyn was the first person I told. She was excited and genuinely happy for me. Being a rookie at relationships, the two of them offered seperate advice and really helped me along the way.
**********************************************************

After high school, I saw them less as we moved on through university and careers, but their relationship remained strong. Everybody knew it was only a matter of time before it all came full circle. Despite the expectation, I was really excited when I first found out they were engaged. Even more excited when I found out that I was invited!

Words can't describe what I felt seeing my good friends from high school exchange wedding vows. I feel truly blessed to have been there, and actually couldn't sleep last night because I was just so happy for the two of them. Even today, I couldn't get the smile off of my face.

Congratulations, Ron and Edilyn. All the best to you both.

Prioritize your problems

Remember back in your undergrad days, you'd be bombarded with advertisements offering to assist you with your poor essay writing skills. For a moderate fee, you could go from grade 1 ESL student to a modern day Jules Vern overnight.

Here's one example of such advertisement.



My first thought after I took this one in: if your head is that big in proportion to your body, writing a good essay should be the least of your worries.

How this guy made it to the college level without getting his head beaten in by the other kids is a mystery. It's so big that if somebody tried to punch him in the leg, he'd still end up getting a noggie. How he even got the shirt over his head is beyond me.

The bottom line is this: prioritize! If you have a freak-show abnormality, deal with that before your writing skills. Don't get a-head of yourself.

Verbal heiress-ment

By this point you've likely heard the new single by Paris Hilton, "Stars are blind". Man, is that song awful. It hurts the ears - that is grounds for a lawsuit.

The song has something to do with a guy, and she wants to do things with him. Although the fated stars lack the foresight to see their (hopefully) collective futures, she is sure that they can be together if he shows her real love. In return, she'll flash the guy some boobs ("if you show me real love baby, I'll show you mi-i-ne!")

I don't think she realizes that anytime, anybody, anywhere in the world wants to see hers, all they need to do is turn on their computers and watch "One Night in Paris".

By the way, Ms. Hilton, an inanimate object cannot be blind since they have no eyes. Although they are also lacking in the ear department, they are surely deaf by now.

Cool ain't so hot

If this is the new face of cool, throw me in an oven because I want no part of it. According to this GAP banner, to be attractive I need an awkward mix of Fonzi and Vanilla Ice, icons from eras seperated by nearly four decades. Replace the denim spandex with knee-high trousers from the 1920's and I'd be painting the town.

Red.

With my own blood.

After getting beaten up.

I'll opt to remain the smokin' hot guy I already am.

Ask not what you would do, but who you would do...

for $50,000 (one million is too easy-for that kind of money, most people would do anything and anybody, simultaneously).

It's much more fun, you'll get more laughs with your friends, and you'll really get a feel for who would sell their dignity and pride for money. After a lengthy session with friends, I am now supposedly an empty shell devoid of a moral code.

Now, if you're thinking to yourself, "But I have a good paying job and don't need $50,000.". Well, good for you; you've ruined the game for yourself and are officially a loser. Congratulations.

Head and Shoulders above itself

Since we were little, there have been a few notions so well engrained in our psyche, which are as follows:
-winter is when snow comes
-Polka-roo is never seen by two people simultaneously
-Mr.Clean never grows hair or changes his trademark white shirt
-Head and Shoulders eliminates dandruff

Everyone knows that if you've got snow on your shoulders when it ain't winter, wash with H&S and you'll be snow free in no time. So explain to me this:


Introducing Head and Shoulders Intensive Solution, clinically tested and proven dandruff control. Uhh....isn't H&S regular supposed to achieve the same goal? And what's with the new tag line "Clinically tested and proven dandruff control." So what's with the regular stuff? Is it not tested? Were random chemicals added in the hopes that it would eliminate dandruff? Have we been lied to all of these years, that H&S regular actually doesn't eliminate dandruff??? Are we a victim of media hype???

I want answers damn it, my world is falling to pieces, slowly and gently descending into a personal hell like snow.

For future scientists out there

Several times over the course of (what is hopefully) your illustrious career, you will be required to share data that you've generated during all of your hard work.

A picture is worth a thousand words, and this is no less true when reporting scientific work. Thousands of lines of text can be condensed into a small chart or graph.

Just remember this...