Shaping up

Yesterday afternoon, I had a pleasant, and somewhat inappropriate, surprise. In the mail was the latest issue of Shape magazine. If you're unfamiliar with the publication, it's your average, run-of-the-mill women's magazine. It advises women on how to lose weight, get the man of their dreams, and in the current issue, eliminate an evil presence in a woman's bed.


Shape up with gorgeous hair!

I thought "Oh, my mom subscribed." Nope, apparently I did; it was addressed to me. I have no idea how I ended up with a subscription to this magazine. I didn't sign up for anything, and so far, none of my friends have revealed themselves to be the perpetrators of a prank.

One may think I have no use for this magazine, but so far I've found several. The front cover has a beautiful picture (albeit airbrushed) picture of Katherine McPhee (American Idol runner-up to 50-year old winner Taylor Hicks). It provides me with several unique exercises to tone my lower body into those long, beautiful shapely legs all women strive for. And I now know the sex secrets men wish women knew!

And with the Christmas break now in full force, I have a lot of time to apply my new-found workout techniques. The holiday season is shape-ing up for sure!

Oh, the lurking menace in your bed is dust.

Book Review: Oryx and Crake (by Margaret Atwood)

More like Bore-yx and Crake.
Before I get started, I'd like to mention that I flip flopped between "Bore-yx and Crake" and "Snore-yx and Crake". I also wanted to title it "Bore-yx and Crappy", but a friend pointed out that "Crake" rhymes with "cake", not "crack-e".



When I asked for a book recommendation, a friend of mine brought up "Oryx and Crake", a novel released in 2004 by renowned Canadian author Margaret Atwood. I had never read an Atwood novel (not even in high school), so I decided to take a chance. A few other people I know have mentioned how good it was, and it was short-listed for the Man Booker Prize. The book seemed to be bursting at the seams with credentials and accolades.

The premise sounded interesting enough; a drifter drifts alone in a dystopian world after his friend's attempt at molding a utopian society went to shit. What was once the world we now know has become a desolate wasteland, and the drifter, unfortunately, survived the armageddon. His name is Snowman, but he used to be called Jimmy. Ever since that fateful event, the man has dubbed himself "Snowman." Why "Snowman"? What significance does a snowman hold in this man's life that has caused him to alter his ego around it? Did he enjoy snowballing with girls in the past? We'll find out.

I'm no author, but whether you're writing a paragraph, novel, dissertation, or essay, the structure goes as follows: introduction, body, conclusion. Notice how the introduction comprises only 1/3 of the overall structure, not 9/10.

I can't even say that the plot moves at a snail's pace, it simply doesn't move. Things finally begin to pick up around the last little bit, by which time readers may have tuned out (I've stopped books before just because they were utterly bad). In the end, I finished the book, and though I can honestly say I'm glad I did, the payoff in the end wasn't worth sitting through 250 pages of introduction and set-up. The only reason I'm glad to have finished it is to say "I've read an Atwood novel." If her other books are as boring as this one, this is an accomplishment I'm boasting for the wrong reasons. I'm likening it to a medal of survival instead of a literary status symbol.

Now, some comments on small parts of the story....(minor spoilers coming up).....

What is the deal with Crake and Jimmy watching porn? Jimmy speaks fondly of when he and his childhood buddy would watch internet porn, together, in the comfort of his bedroom. Jimmy doesn't go into further detail, and he admits that the porn videos eventually got boring. Despite the increasing boredom, the two managed to make the time pass, together....there's something unsettling about two heterosexual teenaged guys enjoying their sausages together, without the buns.


A computer simulation of Jimmy and Crake's teenaged years.

Finally, I will also never come to understand Jimmy's fascination with Oryx. Yes, she is beautiful, but what a fucking tease. "Oh Jimmy, why do you keep asking me that?" "Oh Jimmy, why do you always want to know that?" Maybe if you gave him a straight answer he'd stop asking.

(end spoilers)

You do eventually find out why Jimmy renamed himself Snowman. After the world went to shit, he just picked it. Neither snowmen, nor snowballing, held any significance in life. I don't even think winter was ever a major setting in the story. He could've fashioned a name that paid homage to his forgotten lover Oryx, or his beloved pet from childhood (for whom he still weeps), but no, he goes for the most insignificant, inert nickname possible...Snowman. That climax is more non-existent than a faked orgasm.

If you're a big Atwood fan, I suppose you'd like this book. If that's the case, you've probably already read it. So for the rest of you, stay clear and read something else. There are better ways to pass the time; like watching internet porn with a close friend.