Before I begin, I'd like to say that I started this post talking about how I planned on seeing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix tonight. In that post, I made a brief, insignificant reference to Transformers. Suddenly, the thoughts kept on coming, and I decided that it would be wrong to deprive the loyal readership.
So, did I think the movie lived up to its hype, or was I sorely disappointed? Now that I've burned a paragraph, I'll cut to the chase; the latter. Go out and find Optimus (Michael Bay's version), because I'm about to flame the movie. BEWARE - spoilers abound for the five of you who haven't seen it yet.
Optimus arrives to help me set fire to the movie.
For the first hour or so, we see the Transformers disguise themselves amongst everyday forms. Bumblebee is an old car, Scorponok is your everyday run-of-the-mill giant scorpion, and Frenzy is a boombox just like in the cartoon. Oh wait, Frenzy is supposed to be a cassette tape that pounded the floor with battering rams, and Soundwave is a boombox. Whatever.
Just your everyday giant scorpion. No wonder it went undetected.
The first encounter is with a Decepticon helicopter, whose name I don't know. The Americans warn the chopper to leave as it is entering restricted airspace, but the defiant chopper lands at their base anyway. It then transforms into robot form - WHOA! The beautiful sequence takes about 5 seconds, which is dumb for a number of reasons. 1) It's not practical. Had the humans learned, they would've just dropped napalm on an unsuspecting Decepticon while it was going through the rigours of transforming. 2) In the middle of the 5 second sequence is 1 second of the famous transforming sound. Uhhh Michael....the sound is what transforming sounds like, idiot. It's not just some random sound byte you stick in the middle of the sequence. In other words, the length of the sound equals the amount of time required to transform.
Meanwhile, a boy back in the US meets up with the Autobots and is bestowed the task of saving the world; by finding his grandfather's glasses. How did the Autobots know that he had the coveted glasses? eBay, natch. How does a pair of a dead man's glasses have implications on the fate of our world? In a nutshell, there is this cube from Cybertron, the Transformers home planet, that can create robot life. If in the wrong hands, an evil-doer, such as Megatron, can create an endless army and do God knows what. In this case, wipe out human life as we know it. Once Optimus finds the cube, he vows to take it into his chest, destroying the instrument and himself in the process. As Optimus explains the history its history, we're treated to some visions of Cybertron when war raged over that damn cube. Amidst mountains, lava, and hellfire and brimstone, Autobots and Decepticons battle it out. Since when did Cybertron become Middle Earth? Why does it look so organic? Whatever.
While the boy and his crush search his room for the glasses, his parents become suspicious of loud noises coming from outside. However, they never see the Autobots (who are as big as their house) because they are remarkably good at hiding. Ummm, does anyone recall the Transformers tagline from the 80's? "Robots in disguise": i.e. they hide by turning into a form familiar to humans, remaining undetected. They don't hide by finding cover behind a bush.
After being apprehended by government officials, it's revealed that a black ops division of the US government is in possession of the cube and Megatron (under constant supervision and cyrostasis). Eventually Starscream (I think) cuts power off from the facility, disabling the cyrostasis and allowing Megatron to escape. The humans escape too, with the cube in tow. The question is, how does Megatron, a handgun, escape a deep underground facility? Simple, he's actually an X-Wing ship (of Star Wars fame). Huh? Apparently the explanation is that he's a Cybertronian ship. OK, so why didn't the other recently-landed Transformers come with their own vehicle-form already?
Run, it's an army of Megatrons!
In the end, after a long battle in the city, in which, miraculously, there were no human fatalities after billions of dollars in damage, Spike kills Megatron and the cube by inserting it into his chest. What? How the hell did he know that would kill Megatron and not make him uber-powerful? More importantly, how did Optimus Prime not think to do that? Why was he so adamant about offing himself when he could've killed off that nuisance whilst taking care of the cube dilemma?
The answer lies in Optimus' first line after Megatron dies, "I'm sorry, brother." I see; you wanted to sacrifice yourself out of love for your brother. And then what would happen to the humans you've fought so hard to protect over the past 48 hours? Do you really think that Megatron would be so touched that he would strive to continue your work? And really; BROTHERS? Please. I think that end-of-the-movie swerve induced the least amount of emotion since I discovered that solyent green was made out of people (PEOPLE!).
In the end, Bumblebee somehow gets his voice back. The kid starts making out with the girl on top of Bumbleebee while the other Autobots watch. Optimus talks about the glory of humans, and calls upon other Autobots to join them on earth. During all this sunshine happiness, Starscream escapes. SEQUEL!
In the end, I'm glad I saw it. Yes I hated it - hate is a strong word, and that's why I use it - but it's kind of like my disdain for the Simpsons; I hate it for what it has become, but watch it for what it used to be.
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